Back To Normal

Home is now home again. For a minute there I was seriously contemplating moving. I just couldn't handle the bugs. I believe I may have been having an anxiety attack that was triggered by the bugs and my emotional (suppressed) state after the funeral. Jeeves came over and fixed the problem - one of the sub floors under my closet was exposed and cracked. Since my apartment is directly over the gutter, the bugs were finding there way in through my closet. There was no way I was going to be able to tolerate bugs crawling on my clothes let alone in my home on a regular basis.

The area you see below is where the built-in drawers have been pulled out and this is what was behind them. Jeeves came in and drywalled the wall in and sealed the sub floor.



Large bugs to me are the equivalent of snakes and mice to others. The sound of the crack of a water bug,when stepped on, sends chills up my spine. One came out of my closet and I got the strength to run and get a broom to kill it. It became a war cause it just wouldn't die. I finally swept it outside half dead where it remained on the porch until my sister-in-law SDJ came over (with DM and Jeeves) and full of angry fear stepped on it hard!

Earlier, I hadn't realize I was in such a bad state until I called DM to ask her to send Jeeves over and I couldn't stop crying enough to tell her what I needed. I had to call her back. I went for my morning jog but decided to walk instead and I was crying while speed walking. I had to come home and talk to God. I'm and odd griever. Sometimes I can go years without crying or even acknowledging the vacancy a person's death has left in my life. This time though, I was grieving for her and my own heart state.

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My grandmother Charlene (we called her Charlena) passed on Saturday, August 2nd. She wasn't my actual grandmother but back 33 years ago, when my mother came to California for a visit and ended up staying, she became my mother's adopted godmother. At that time my mom was a soon to be divorcee and a traveling gospel back up singer. She came to California because my Aunt had brought my older brother (PP) here for a visit and refused to bring him back home to Ohio. My aunt was and still is a bit of a wild child. Long story short I came along, my Grandma Charlena introduced us to her church and my parents have been members there ever since (give or take a few years due to rough patches).

Grandma Charlena's life was my first recognizable glimpse into refinement. I remember having Thanksgiving dinner at her house and the long continuous table that fit probably 20-30, well appointed with every crystal glass, fine bone china, and full silverware you would need and then some. She would throw together at least 15 different entrees in addition to the turkey. I was always so excited. Always in awe.

She was a stately woman who talked a lot of trash and wore a lot of tweeds and fur coats. She enjoyed a good stiff drink and to dance. She'd curse a man out in a minute and wouldn't hesitate to tell you you've gained weight but were still pretty. She was also the person who in a time when kids were learning to be fast tails told me that there was nothing wrong with wanting to be smart and creative. When Mrs. Adams around the corner taught me to crochet, it was Grandma Charlena who I practiced with. Twice a month or so she would pick me up in her burgundy Lincoln Bonneville or little grey station wagon and we would go "Goody Shopping." Goody shopping is shopping at yard sales. We would get all sorts of little trinkets and yarn.

I'll miss the woman who for my birthday gave me white panties three sizes too big with ones, fives, and tens dollar bills stick pinned into them; although I won't miss the pain I got when I tried to put them on but had failed to remove all the pins. I'll miss being called Lady Bug. I'll miss the replacement of her curse words with "a oomph oomph and an umph umph umph!" I'll miss her, but God's got it all under control.

Kamika consoled and done grieving